I woke up in a closet.


By Scott Tomford and Sharon Clark

Placenta Pete
Me: I hope the only coma I come out of is the one you put me into.
You: Sometimes he thrashed in his sleep.  One time his right elbow crushed her pelvis and she fell into a coma after they removed her lady parts.

Thank You Gary!

Me: I hope when we nod in agreement that we don’t bump our heads into each other.
You: They had matching bruises  hers was a more deep purple while his was black like an African Shaman.  “Dear, I need another ice pack.  I hurt.”  “I hurt too.”

Miscalculated madness at your local international coffee house!

Me: If you put a ring on my finger, make sure it’s from a hand bell.
You: After riding an escalator to the clouds, we could see everything.  Lots of things looked like penises.  Five things looked like a vagina.  One looked like Chris Martiny.

Starvation is an obstacle anorexics must overcome.
Me:  The only thing you need to wed is my appetite.

You: Genocide is only acceptable if you’re bored.  Murder is okay if you’re sleepy.  Rape is okay if your name is Hand Banana.

Me: The next time you’re in pain, think about being incognito.

We are suspended in gelatin.

Me:  There are worse things you could lose than your dignity.  Like your eyeball in a cockfight.
You: There are worse things to lose than your virginity.  Not much though.

We’ve been here for years.

Me: In the past, some of my times have been spent waiting.
You: Thank you for waiting.

When you think something is nice, the slavery involved usually ruins it for you.

Me:  I am waiting for your nails to grow so you can put our house together.
You: I found a home where I thought there’d be lady parts.  Is the white man’s burden funding welfare?

Close your legs!

Me: My knees aren’t the only things that have been getting bent lately.
You: Indie Anna Jones is your stage name.  I’d like to hear you sing about Jesus while wearing a giant pentagram on your chest.

Stomach Cheese
Me: When cows stop making milk, there’s nothing left in their udders.
You:  The elderly are shrunken and wrinkled because toddlers suck out their soul juices at night.

Abacus
Me:  It’s the thought that counts if you’re good at math.
You:  I drink your milkshake rape your toilet.

Lip my talking.
Me:  If there’s no end and no beginning, there’s only role reversal.
You: ((><))

For you and me.
Me: A narcoleptic falling asleep in the shower is the next best thing to a night of heavy drinking.
You: In Connecticut, no one can hear you scream or complain about a lack of diversity.
Me:  When I pick you up, it’s hard to drive.
You:  Humping a pillow does not feel the same.  Also, it makes the case feel less comfy.
Me:  The guy next to us has a wad of $100 bills.
You: I am simply a pile of meat wielding a rather large boom box.

Chupacabra
Me: It’s more embarrassing to pass gas than it is to pass tests.
You: Is it worse to lave at a funeral or an execution?  The answer is it is worse to laugh at a crippled sasquatch.

…boner, haha.