I woke up in a closet.

Let’s all meet up in the year 2000

Unlike Christmas, a holiday I’m typically over by the time the day comes, New Years Eve is a chance for everyone to wait in long lines at the liquor store and make enough bad decisions before midnight so that the previous year alone seems like all its debauchery could never be repeated.  Then midnight comes, everyone jubilantly kisses one another or vomits into the gutter after a celebratory shot, and time’s party attendees inevitably descend into a hang-over.  Then the resolutions: never will I ever drink an entire liter of Mr. Boston on my own again, never will I ever insist that the only sober person at the party make out with me, etc.

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What’s blander than bland?
Its like were robbing interesting television shows of airtime!

It's like we're robbing interesting television shows of airtime!

The Hills franchise has transported west-coast Whitney Port as an ambassador to The City where she will pout melodramatically at the mention of the absent dude of the moment that was inserted by producers to be her ambivalent love-interest, and she will drink glass after glass of wine at dinner parties.  The Hills is literally budding into a chain of Subway restaurants as fashionistas with Teen Vogue internships multiply out of Lauren Conrad’s apartment.  That place is like a meth-lab, and as comes with such productions, tons of people are addicted to the prime-time hits of soap opera mediocrity packaged in young, good-looking girls living on MTV’s tab.

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Lindsay Lohan for NYS senate.
December 29, 2008, 9:13 pm
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Scott: ok i’m seriously going to kill myself if caroline kennedy is a senator

this is getting out of hand
2:56 PM me: on wnyc they had her talking about j.lo because they were asking her if she thought that j.lo should be elected since she’s from new york
2:57 PM Scott: lol
well, the democrats found their answer to sarah palin
2:58 PM me: at least caroline kennedy isn’t that much of an idiot.
Scott: well, she’s up there
that times article
good lord
2:59 PM me: i think lindsay lohan should be senator.
3:00 PM Scott: “But in the interview on Saturday, she said she hoped to be a consensus-builder, and declined to describe her positions on other pressing public issues — even in education, where she has some expertise. Ms. Kennedy would not say, for example, whether she supported proposals to abolish tenure for teachers and offer them merit pay instead.”
3:01 PM me: if there is a god, she won’t be chosen
Scott: haha
just read the whole thing
it’s madness
me: i can’t.
i don’t want to make informed decisions.
3:02 PM Scott: hahah
you need to join me in hating this woman

Missed Connections.

This dude must be one in a million:

Sitting outside the coffee shop – m4w – 24 (Graham Ave)

Reply to: pers-971252200@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-27, 2:51PM EST

I think you may work there. If not, you must really like coffee. You have short hair and Buddy Holly glasses. I have a beard and a red plaid winter coat. You look really sweet and whenever I pass you smile at me, so maybe you’d like to meet up for a drink or a burrito or some illegal fireworks. If not, that’s alright, and I’m looking forward to our next encounter. Your pretty smile makes my evenings more bearable. Thanks!

Of course everyone in Williamsburg is a shy white person that opts to write creepy craigslist ads rather than be forward with someone.  I think “passive aggressive” could be tweaked to be applied to this condition.

Barely made the L Train at bedford this morning – m4w – 21

Reply to: pers-971146636@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-27, 1:45PM EST

We made eye contact as I barely jumped onto the L train at bedford ave as the doors were closing. You got off at 1st ave and walked away. You are beautiful, just thought you should know.

Also, this could do for a re-make of the 2001 blockbuster On The Line starring Lance Bass
Whos body is Joey Fatones head sitting on?

Who's body is Joey Fatone's head sitting on?


blonde oriental at starbucks – m4w (Massapequa)

Reply to: pers-970404816@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-26, 5:00PM EST

Blonde Oriental: You are so georgous

1.  Rugs are oriental.
2.  Tila Tequila?  Make that a double shot of classy.

The spirit of Christmas in Connecticut
December 23, 2008, 6:58 pm
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means watch the fuck out in the mall parking lot or a psycho wearing a fur coat driving a suburban packed tightly with bags from Macy’s will drive into the side of your compact sedan if you don’t let her out in front of you.

Paris Hilton has nothing to do with this, but she’s such a brilliant example of reckless driving.

Of course, yesterday Scott and I foolishly took to the post-blizzard roads to go to West Farms Mall in West Hartford.  After an hour and a half of dodging girls clad in flared jeans spilling out of their Uggs and other various Mall Rats staking their claims at Hot Topic, we thought we’d made it into free territory in the parking lot.  The situation proved to be a stalemate as we waited for TWENTY MINUTES to get into the flow of traffic that would even lead us out of our parking rows.  Once in the running, an insane woman in a suburban who had nearly rammed into a Honda Civic as she tried to reverse out of her parking spot and cut through the line thinking she could just drive around the mess appeared again with a look of panic on her face.  She cruised in out of nowhere with all the soul-crushing coercion and entitlement that comes with driving an SUV that could both flip over on the highway and murder the people unlucky enough to be crushed under it in the neighboring lane.  Right as Scott and I were about to be free from the bondage of salt-crusted vehicles and the nauseating red tail-lights, she put her bumper right up to our car’s left wheel.  I coached Scott in a triumphant victory to not letting her pass us, let alone drive into us as I made faces at her and brought out the old Tom Clark hand raise in the “what the fuck motion” that is slowly brought down to emphasize the stupidity of the other driver.

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A lot of people means a lot of toilet paper.
December 22, 2008, 5:26 pm
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Guess I have to go back to Vodka and Red Bull
December 20, 2008, 8:31 pm
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Media has been afire with news that MillerCoors will no longer manufacture or market Sparks after January 10th, 2009.  Apparently, MillerCoors has agreed to “reformulate” the beverage that helps otherwise shy and quiet college kids make their peers say “Wow, I didn’t realize she was that crazy.”  Without the key ingredients caffeine, taurine, guarana and ginseng, Sparks will be just another malt liquor partnered with such trailblazers as Colt45 and Olde English 800.  Sure, Sparks was totally marketing themselves to underagers like myself, but all the government is doing by putting a halt to the manufacturer is forcing me to make TWO trips on a Thursday night.  One, to the liquor store for vodka, another to the bodega for Red Bull.  Hasn’t it been proven that Red Bull and vodka makes you do crazy shit (i.e. Britney Spears)?

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