And it was “If a guy tells you he’s not into you just for sex, what does that mean?”
This friend told me that this guy she’s been hanging out with for the last couple weeks was gushing about how into her he was, and it all sounded really nice and made her feel happy until he said “I like you a lot, it’s not just for sex.” She said that she immediately became suspicious of the statement because no one had ever made the point of including that information in a profession of “like”. She couldn’t decide if it sounded like a dishonest person bringing up the lie in the situation to try to dismiss a doubt as part of their plan to get just that which they had mentioned, or if it was a genuine comment.
Obviously this happened to me. I’m almost positive that this guy I’ve been spending some time with really likes me, but I’m short-circuiting in confusion because not a single guy I’ve ever dated or talked to has ever been so… blut, honest, adamant, blatant, shamelessly honest, genuine –EVER– about their feelings towards me. I’ve been so incredulous as to how everything with this guy has gone so far.
One night after I’d thrown my good friend a birthday dinner at my restaurant then went to a house party that another one of his friends was throwing for him, a girlfriend I hadn’t hung out with for awhile showed up and suggested I go with her bandmates to a party in Bushwick. It was probably 2am by the time we decided to hop in a car and head over from Williamsburg, but we’d been drinking and blowing coke all night and keeping up with the party seemed like the sensible thing to do. We got into this loft where it looked like a party had REALLY been dying down, but we didn’t care that much, took our jackets off and started to dance. I’m not really sure on the precise logistics of randomly meeting this guy, but I started talking and dancing with someone who was really charming and nice and at one point I blurted out WE SHOULD GET DINNER SOMETIME. After the party reached depressing decline, I dragged this boy out into the blustery February night and he came to my apartment with me. When we got to my place I scoured my room for my pipe (this piece of shit wooden thing that I only keep for sentimental purposes) because he had weed, and I started to feel incredibly embarrassed that I’d brought someone home with me and was rummaging around like a crackhead looking for loose change in couch cushions. Next, I gave up and we started making out. Clothes started coming off but I told him I didn’t want to have sex. He said “Wow, I’ll definitely be seeing you again.” Which seemed almost sarcastic, but was also really nice. We fell asleep and in the morning on his way out he told me he was going to see his family in New Jersey. What a nice guy.
I went back to bed and in between bouts of sleep kept thinking about him, wondering if I should feel embarrassed about myself for bringing him to my apartment. I wondered if I’d ever even see this person again. Later in the afternoon I looked on facebook and lo and behold he had added me as a friend. My name is really common… for black women and middle aged white women in Missouri alike, so he must’ve been able to peg me as the chick with a picture of herself as a 4 year old as her profile picture. I started cruising his facebook, seeing what this kid was all about, and decided that he seemed pretty cool. The next day he messaged me to ask for my number and called me within half an hour of me sending it to him to ask if I wanted to get dinner that Saturday. Whoa. Dinner. So weird. So… so unlike people my age to propose a dinner meet up that isn’t at Atomic Wings. Since this gesture in and of itself was not explicitly asking to get laid, I happily agreed.
That Saturday I spent the whole day really nervous about 8pm when he would pick me up. (IN A CAR. NOT ON HIS SKATEBOARD!) I spent an hour digging through my closet to find the right outfit — one that wasn’t slutty, but one that wasn’t my typical t-shirt and jeans that I would wear on any other outing — and applying make-up that didn’t look like someone had walked in and shot me with an insta-whore gun. Literally two minutes before he was outside waiting, I finished getting ready and was pleased with myself for using up all my time so that I had none to stare at myself in the mirror and freak out about going out alone with a guy I had just met for the first time. I’ll cut to the chase here. We had a great dinner, went out dancing, then had a night cap near my apartment then came back and had a nice night in bed.
The next day I packed up my bags to stay at my boss’s apartment while she was out of town for the week. While I was sitting on the couch waiting for laundry to be done, I got a facebook message from him. He told me I had left my umbrella in his car. “It’s okay, I get charity donations all the time at my restaurant. You can hang on to it.” and, to my shock — but not really, because who inquires about a minor item like an umbrella without an ulterior motive — he said “I was hoping I could use it as an excuse to see you again.” Gasp. Heart Palpitations. Uncontrollable smile. What. What. WHAT? He was due to go on vacation for a week and asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime in the afternoon the next day. Coffee! That’s completely unrelated to sex and is the antithesis to drinking alcohol to get loosened up. What a guy. I’m there. And then, a few days later he called me from vacation as I was walking down the street in the pouring rain holding the umbrella he had returned to me. I put the umbrella down so that I could hold onto my phone and talk to him even though I was soaking wet by the time I got home. When he got back to New York, he came to my apartment to see me even before he went home. We hung out later that week and the next day he called me from his parent’s house to say hi. He came over the next day. He asked to hang out tonight because he had been “daydreaming” a lot since he met me, but I had to say no because I’m babysitting. We’re hanging out tomorrow night. I’ve met his roommates. He says things like “you’re so perfect”. He borrowed a book of mine to read, finished it within a week, and brought it back to me.
So why would I write a long post exposing all these details to a sign that says “accept it. he likes you.”?
It’s not uncommon for guys to be nice only when they want something from you. I’ve hung out with guys who would say nice things, but only when it was 11:30 at night and they’d had a few drinks. I’ve had guys say nothing to me so that I’ve been left to myself to wonder about the entire thing to the point of emotional breakdown. I’ve taken interest in guys that turned out to be uninterested (married without being honest about it), and I’ve only found out they were uninterested after I mentioned something about liking them for more than their bootycalls or random firing of texts.
Here we go. Heading up to bat we’ve got miss “I’m afraid to get hurt“. It’s not like it’s been a chronic problem of mine with instances like this, but the amount of times that it has happened makes me suspicious that I’m unworthy of desire or that I’m being conned into something. I really like this guy a lot but I’m afraid to be to vocal about it because I don’t want to feel like an idiot if I should’ve just held my tongue. I need to stop being a pussy about this and work up the courage to things I’d like to without wincing in fear of a funny look or hearing “I should probably go.”
And if, poor internet reader who winds up on this page by mistake, you were wondering about the results for that google search of mine, I will not be ashamed to admit that eHarmony had a nice, pretty accurate seeming post called 10 Signs He’s Into You that made me feel giddy.
Leave a Comment so far
Leave a comment