I woke up in a closet.


Rapid Transit, or the next Bubonic Plague: My thoughts on the MTA.

When it comes to New York City Transit, I think it’s appropriate to employ a litmus test. Did you make it to the station a little early to relax and catch up on your book, or did you just miss the train and now you have to wait around for-fucking-ever next to a rat infested dumpster?

There are several pros and cons to NYC transit to explore. Your standpoint depends on how in-depth you like to analyze things that you encounter on a daily basis.

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The First Meaningful Poem of 2013
March 1, 2013, 5:49 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

On Tuesday, February 26th, I quit the job that I’d had for three years straight. I quit because I had a personal relationship with my boss which was a huge mistake because she is an alocholic and she started to yank my chain. Now that I’ve quit and I’m looking for new jobs, I’m fully realizing what I’ve been quietly regretting ever since I agreed to work for her: I’ve wasted my fucking time working in a business that I don’t even like, and now all the jobs that I see posted on craigslist and mediabistro for copywriting — something I’m genuinely interested in — are out of my league because they’re going to the little bastards that are fresh out of their four year writing programs with internship experience under their belt. FUCK YOU RESTAURANT INDUSTRY. FUCK YOU, THREE WASTED YEARS OF MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE. FUCK YOU EARLY TWENTIES, IT’S BEEN A REAL CHALLENGE “FIGURING MYSELF OUT” DURING THIS TIME!

When I graduated from college I was so afraid that I would fail and that I would find up shipped back upstate to live with my parents or that I would wind up a destitute crackwhore living in a box under the BQE. I wanted to make money to take care of myself and I wanted to exceed my expectations and my family’s expectations. I definitely did that. I went above and beyond. I fucked myself over in the long run just to have the temporary satisfaction of paying my student loans right out of college and being able to afford rent for a studio apartment in a tenenment building. There are certain things that I wouldn’t trade from the last three years, and I know that there is nothing to be changed, but if I could give advice to myself after I graduated college, it would be to ignore those stupid circumstances that cause me to want to work to earn money instead of wanting to work to learn something that I’m interested in.

Yesterday I stayed in bed until 4pm. This morning I woke up at 7am and filed an unemployment claim. After that I started applying to craigslist ads. After that I went to my volunteer job at the Brooklyn Public Library — which I love and which makes me feel so satisfied with what I can do and so happy. I read stories to really cute little kids who showed up to the library hoping for story time. I did that. And they were happy. And I was happy. And that’s what I want my life to be about. Making people happy with such a simple thing as reading to them or giving them something that they need. After I got back from that I applied to more jobs on craigslist and I did a small copy editing job for the wife of one of the co-owners of the restaurant I used to work for. I researched the items in the writing clips, I used the thesaurus. I used my brain god damnit. I used my brain for something that it was actually totally interested and invested in. 

I LOVE WORDS. I LOVE THE VALUE OF WORDS. I LOVE THE COLD SHOULDERS OF WORDS, THE WARM EMBRACE, THE GESTURING TO YOU TO COME CLOSER OF WORDS, THE HOT TEARS OF WORDS, THE DAMP MARK THEY LEAVE ON THE PAGE, I LOVE THE CONDENSATION OF THEIR BREATH, I LOVE THE INDENT OF WORDS, THE WOUNDS INFLICTED BY THE SHARP EDGE OF WORDS, THE RUBBLE LEFT OVER AFTER THE BOMBING OF WORDS. I LOVE WORDS IN THEIR UNFAMILIAR, UNBOUND AND NAKED FORM, I LOVE THEIR FULLY FORMED, HUMAN LIKE OPINIONS BOUND UP IN THEIR OWN CONFUSED, NONSPECIFIC, COWARDLY, CONTRIVED, CONTROVERTED, MISUNDERSTOOD, INDIGNANT, FRENETIC WORDS. AND WORDS THAT CAN’T QUITE DEFINE THEMSELVES, WORDS THAT NEED HELP LIKE I DO. I CAN’T FINISH ANOTHER SENTENCE WITHOUT AN INTERRUPTION FROM THOSE WORDS BURSTING AT THE SEAMS OF MY VOCABULARY, WORDS NAMED AFTER SOMETHING THAT THEY THEMSELVES CANNOT CONTAIN, WORDS LIKE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND ONLY I KNOW THE MEANING OF BECAUSE YOU SEE IT DIFFERENTLY, AND I KNOW YOU WILL, THERE’S KNOW WAY WE BOTH KNOW THE SAME WORD. I LOVE WORDS THAT DEPART THEMSELVES FROM I AND WORDS THAT BECOME LESS VOWEL OR CONSONANT, WORDS THAT BECOME NAME, WORDS THAT BECOME LOVE, WORDS THAT BECOME THE FINGER THAT PULLS THE TRIGGER ON THE WORDS WAITING TO BE SPOKEN, WAITING TO LOVE THEIR OWN WORDS. WORDS OF PEACE. WORDS OF CONDOLENCE. WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, FOR ANOTHER DAY, FOR THE RIGHT PLACE, FOR THE RIGHT OCCASION, THAT COULD NEVER BE SPOKEN, THAT I WANT TO SAY, THAT I SHOULD FORGET, THAT YOU SHOULD’VE KNOWN, THAT FALL FLAT, THAT MUST BE SILENCED,THAT FALL ON DEAF EARS, THAT EXPRESS CONCERN, THAT GET THE POINT ACROSS. WORDS WOVEN INTO MATERIAL, A NET, WORDS CAST OUT AND TO CATCH PREY. THESE WORDS, THEY POUND. THE WORDS THAT WON’T LET THEMSELVES STOP, THEY ARE BRIMMING, THEY ARE THE VERSIMILITUDE OF REALITY, THE ONLY EVIDENCE OF REALITY, OF PAST HELD DOWN, OF PAST MEDITATED LETTER BY LETTER.

 



A friend of mine googled an embarrassing question tonight.
March 8, 2012, 6:07 am
Filed under: Embarrassment, Essay, Ha-Ha's, Uncategorized | Tags: ,

And it was “If a guy tells you he’s not into you just for sex, what does that mean?”

This friend told me that this guy she’s been hanging out with for the last couple weeks was gushing about how into her he was, and it all sounded really nice and made her feel happy until he said “I like you a lot, it’s not just for sex.” She said that she immediately became suspicious of the statement because no one had ever made the point of including that information in a profession of “like”. She couldn’t decide if it sounded like a dishonest person bringing up the lie in the situation to try to dismiss a doubt as part of their plan to get just that which they had mentioned, or if it was a genuine comment.

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At what point do you invest in one of
February 19, 2012, 11:21 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

these if you haven’t been getting any action regularly?

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Rick Santorum for Genesee County Assembly
February 18, 2012, 10:33 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

I think that Rick Santorum is a pretty cogent guy who has what it takes to be an assemblyman in Genesee County, New York, but I wish he’d stop running for President. I suppose I’d rather he win the Republican nomination because Romney seems to never know what he’s talking about, but it’s unfair that any presidential candidate gets bombarded with the questions about abortion and gay marriage. They’re both really important issues, but they’re issues that are easy to use to distract voters from other very important things at stake: the economy, unemployment, defense, public schools, the deficit.

I can’t understand why politicians get their panties in a knot over abortions. If a man gets raped, he doesn’t have the risk of getting pregnant. He will probably have severe emotional damage and issues with sexuality for the rest of his life. But if a woman gets raped and becomes pregnant, she has to walk around with a fetus she resents until an unwanted child is born and potentially grows up living life in an environment where it is treated like a reject. And rejected people must feel really fucking shitty.

As far as contraception debates go, it baffles me that they’ve only had men on panels about it. They haven’t even tried to look for conservative female voices to go up to the mic about why women should be refused the pill.



I’m not hanging out with you because I’m afraid of you.
February 18, 2012, 6:43 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

I’ve got this social problem when it comes to groups of girls.

Last night I was out with friends at a bar, and everyone sequestered themselves off within one big booth. For awhile I was talking to a kid who’s friends with a former roommate of mine, but I started to feel weird that all of the other girls were sitting together and laughing, so I got up without saying a word and started to play Big Buck Hunter — which, by the way, I’m getting really good at. The kid followed me over and started to play. He was asking questions and joking that he sucked at it more than even though he’s a boy. I walked away and bought another drink. When I got back to the table the kid was there again. We kept talking and that was fine. I was in the mood to have a conversation. But I looked up and saw a circle of girls filled with one good friend of mine and several acquaintances and started to wonder why I almost always wind up outside of a group like that. I finished my drink and said to the kid something to the effect of “jesus, groups of girls intimidate me. it’s time to go.” and if that wasn’t any indicator that I’m a crazy person and wasn’t trying to flirt with him at all, then I don’t know what would’ve been. I went out onto the street and hopped in a cab that snaked through throngs of drunk people holding each other in the street shouting nonsense and hailing cabs and thought over and over “what’s wrong with me?”.

I’ve always been able to have 1 or 2 really good girlfriends or I’ve at least been able to have normal friend interactions with a girl in one on one instances. I do feel intimidated by girls who can get together and laugh really loud and scream about an inside joke. I feel like I’d be judged if I sat there and watched them, or that I’d say something unfunny or irrelevant if I tried to join in on the squawking. So, because of this, I tend to find myself talking with a group of guys instead. Maybe half the time I am more interested in what they’re talking about anyway, but I realize that it must seem like I’m vying for their attention and I’m trying to be cool if I hang out with them instead of girls. That realization alone makes me feel even more self-conscious about my position in a room full of girls who are holding another arena of… not quite conversation in some cases, but what feels like a competition of who can be the loudest and come up with the funniest saying that gets repeated and giggled at from that moment on into the future. Phew, this is a really odd problem.

So, my goal is to get over that issue of being afraid of groups of girls and to try to change and feel more in line with my lady counterparts. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, if you will. In the past I’ve been able to at least seek refuge in my boyfriend in those circles, but I don’t have one anymore and I don’t want girls to think that I’ve got a “if it moves will I fuck it?” kind of mentality about guys when I always run to hang out with them instead in a social situation. This is probably going to be like teaching an old dog a new trick, but I’m going to try really hard to go against my immediate impulse and to be socially acceptable and not potentially scoffed at.



Google Images from a search for the word “Complacency”
March 30, 2011, 2:29 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Lately I’ve been tired of living in Brooklyn.