I woke up in a closet.

Rapid Transit, or the next Bubonic Plague: My thoughts on the MTA.

When it comes to New York City Transit, I think it’s appropriate to employ a litmus test. Did you make it to the station a little early to relax and catch up on your book, or did you just miss the train and now you have to wait around for-fucking-ever next to a rat infested dumpster?

There are several pros and cons to NYC transit to explore. Your standpoint depends on how in-depth you like to analyze things that you encounter on a daily basis.

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This time there was a Good good-guy to choose.
November 5, 2008, 4:04 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

This morning I woke up still in disbelief.  I read through my friends statuses on facebook.  Most of my friends were thrilled — I think that it’s harder to come up with people I know who were pro-McCain — but there were a few kids from high school claiming that they needed to move to another country.  I thought I would claim the same thing with my facebook status if McCain was elected, BUT  we all know I would’ve been even poorer than I am now if he was in office with his continuation of the Bush policy.

When I was watching McCain’s concession speech, all I could think of was the Rage Against the machine video for Testify from the 2000 election.  Video after the jump.

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Shit happens at the Pratt Library.
June 23, 2008, 5:26 pm
Filed under: Ha-Ha's, Prattstitutes | Tags: , ,

A lot of really weird shit happens in the library because it’s in the middle of Brooklyn and some of the students are even a little crazy. But what happened literally five minutes ago puts the icing on the cake for strange shit.

This guy in a hooded sweatshirt comes up to the circulation desk and tells me, “It’s too hot upstairs,” which is weird because it’s usually too cold upstairs. I start to give him the spiel that he can talk to people in the basement about the temperature, but he’s already pulling something out of his pocket. “I’ve been trying to keep this baby bird alive, but it just died up there,” and by the time he finishes that sentence, he’s pulled out this thing that looks like it could be a wallet but turns out to be a leaf that’s wrapped around something. He pulls the side of the leaf away so I can see a bird and a head. A dead bird. I started saying “Uhhh… excuse me… ” And he put it back in his pocket, turned around, and headed for the door. I hope I’m at least on a candid camera show.

It’s so hot you could roast a chicken on the sidewalk!

It looks like I’m moving to Ridgewood, Queens. I looked at an apartment with Scott on Sunday. It’s in a prewar building, one bedroom, living room, kitchen, hardwood floors, nice tile in the bathroom, new appliances. Whatever. And it’s on a really nice block that’s incredibly close to my sister. There’s tons of families and kids on the block, and there are a bunch of Polish delis. Right near the M train and B38 also.

It’s been hot. Nearly 100 degrees hot. What I hate most about the heat is the fact that no one can find anything else to talk about but how fucking hot they’re feeling. It’s obvious, move on and get a popsicle. Which I did yesterday. The cooling effects of the popsicle lasted all of 15 minutes before I’d have to lay in bed motionless before a fan to feel my body temperature stabilize. Aside from staying cool, my only concern is my northern european genes that make me so fair-skinned/borderline albino, and the gaping hole in the ozone layer that burns me like a bug under a magnifying glass. I have to wear sunblock even if I’m going in the sun for half an hour.

I read this article this morning before work about the “arena” opening up, and neighborhoods like Proho (Prospect Heights. EW. Why are they calling it that???) are now becoming home to cheaper restaurants that have the chic and palate of Manhattan places. I think it’s cool that there’s more and more stuff to do in Brooklyn because it’s closer to me and I love hanging out here. At the same time, I wonder if the higher concentration of stuff to do in Brooklyn will change the borough to make it have all of the characteristics of Manhattan that make me avoid it most of the time.

Then I’ll become a hermit and move to suburbia. Speaking of suburbia, I think I might go to CT this weekend.

Since I’ve been spending so much time on craigslist

I just found this ad on craigslist:

$550 Small Room in Great Location for Cheap w/ Dynamite Host Park Slope !!!

Goody. Let’s see what’s in store.

He’s a regular entrepreneur. He manages a restaurant and and dog-walking business. He must have had a popular lemonade stand as a child. And he claims to not be a reptile but he’s too lazy to upload pictures other than what he has on his dog walking website. That’s not all! He’s also “a musician, budding serial entrepreneur/inventor, wanna-be film director and writer…actor, writer, and aesthetic/renaiisance manchild who has recently broken up w/ his girlfriend of years( she lived here )…I now date frequently…”

If you’re impressed at this point, then I’m a baloney sandwich on wonder bread.

The lucky lady: “best candidate here, is a cool, young gal, clean, sharp, easy going, and ambitious… Please be bright, somewhat classy, reasonable, attractive, laid back, grateful…no guests allowed unless approved by me…sorry … you should speak pretty good english..did I mention no cigarettes and cats”

Grateful? I don’t get it. Grateful because the self-proclaimed renaissance manchild thought you were attractive and wanted to bone you? If only I wanted to be a submissive sex slave banned from having guests over lest he approves.

And finally, he loves to “give people in authority a hard time.”

Such a charmer.

Line of best fit.
May 29, 2008, 2:06 am
Filed under: Prattstitutes, Tragedy | Tags: , , , , , ,

Things have been a little dull around here. But I’ve learned two things: a lease is meant to protect people, and it’s impossible to live with more than two other people. I’ve learned more than two things, but for the sake of fluidity, that’s how I’ll start out.

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The show I might give a shit about if my parents paid for my cable bill.

Whenever I stop watching a show, I think that everyone else who still watches it is out of their mind. Between the ages of 11 and 17 when I was still living with my parents, Real World Marathons seemed to be on every weekend. Before and after Daria was on MTV, I’d leave The Real World on the t.v. while I was home alone or relaxing on the couch. For Four plus hours at a time. At some point during the summer before I went to college, I stopped watching television except for late night infomercials when I came home stoned. If I was stoned and the Real World was on, I guess I’d probably watch it.

It turns out it’s been 10 seasons of the Real World since the show has taken place in New York. And according to an MTV issued announcement discussed in the New York Observer,

“The Brooklyn season, like the Hollywood season, will focus on what people loved about ‘The Real World’ when it launched in 1992 – genuine people, meaningful conflict and powerful stories,” Jon Murray, “The Real World” Co-Creator and Chairman & President of Bunim-Murray Productions. “We’re thrilled that MTV is allowing ‘The Real World’ turn 21!”

Powerful stories like:

  • How I lost my trust fund when my parents found out about my first DUI.
  • My night in a Midtown Manhattan holding cell after I urinated on a homeless man.
  • That one time a Spanish-speaking man made perverted gestures at me on the streets when I was walking home from a bar wearing an American Apparel Tube-dress.
  • That one time I went bankrupt by age 22 because maxed out all of my credit cards from buying Paris Hilton’s clothing line for dogs and having an official Margarita’s Monday in the Village every week. (basically the “I spent money I didn’t have” story).

The confrontations and group meetings on this show are always so snooze able remarkable.

I don’t care if this show exists, because it doesn’t really exist so long as I don’t have cable or the show isn’t taking place near anywhere I live. Which is funny to think about because when I was still in Batavia, MTV was filming Sorrority Life and Fratnernity Life at the University at Buffalo. I think that’s where they should have stopped filming Real World type shows altogether. Real World is a glorified college dorm room experience anyway. But the realistic condition is that you’re in a shitty suite with a shared bathroom and cockroaches in your refrigerator. Maybe MTV is tempting college students with unattainable standards of night life and alcoholism that just looks so … hot. I tried to look for a photo of Ruthie from Hawaii drinking so much that she was about to pass out in the shower.

And of course the Real World HAD TO TURN 21 because that’s the age that we all look forward to so we can legally get shitface, even if our brains and livers are weathered beyond the state of the average 21 year-old’s because of college induced partying.

Maybe when I get a little bit older and have to move back to Western New York so I can afford to pay back my students loans, I’ll have a little extra money for cable since I won’t be paying for a Brooklyn Apartment, and I’ll find myself watching re-runs of The Real World: Brooklyn. I’ll remember the time I saw MTV with cameras on North Six St. while they captured a glorious television moment: a very “urban” someone lighting a crack pipe and mugging one of the aviator-clad artists they casted to live in the burg — simultaneously.

Anyway, God Bless America. I wouldn’t want to live in a country where starving artists couldn’t live in 2 grand a month lofts in hip neighborhoods. I learned everything I know about alcoholism and assault from the Real World.

The Real World Sydney

That’s right, you keep that glass to your face, mister. Hair extensions never looked so good with so much foundation and eye shadow.